What No One Tells You About Life After Cancer - 1/14/21

It's taken me 2 weeks to come up with an update post because I just haven't been sure what to write. I wanted to post some New Year inspirational message for myself to share with everyone about tackling 2021 with as much positivity and good vibes as I possibly can but I just can't because there's this little voice in the back of my head that talks to me a lot and tells me "there's still a chance I'm still here lurking in the dark just waiting to come back". My anxiety has been at an all-time high; and yes, I'm on medication that helps me.

No one tells you about the mental part of being a breast cancer patient or survivor when you are diagnosed. No one tells you it's a roller coaster ride of emotions. No one tells you that, especially in my case, when you don't have to go through chemo or radiation, that people think you are cured and you just magically move on with your life. No one tells you that that is not necessarily the case. The anxiety and fear remain and are real. I have seriously started to question myself and ask myself (and Tim) if there is something wrong with me for feeling this way but when I talk to people who have walked in my shoes or heard the "C" word said to them, they tell me I'm not. That it's normal and it's not uncommon and while it never fully goes away, it gets easier. When that is I'm not sure but I'm trying my hardest to figure it out. It's a daily thing. I wake up and wait to see how I'm going to be. I try to think positively but when my body starts to ache or hurt in places I start to listen to it and worry. Last week, an area under my right arm started to bother me. I started trying to figure out what it was that was hurting and found 2 small lumps; what did I do? Naturally, I started to worry. I didn't go into full-blown panic mode but told Tim about it and said that I was going to have my OB check it when we saw him on Monday for a follow-up ultrasound to the one that was done in October. Well....he checked it and felt the same thing and suggested that I call my breast surgeon and have it looked at so we will be getting that checked next Tuesday and possibly having some imaging done to determine what it is. Hopefully, it's just scar tissue or something but I still have that "pit in my stomach" feeling that it's not.

I also have a cyst on my left ovary that I have to worry about. It was there in October and is still there now; it hasn't gotten bigger but it hasn't gotten smaller. How we address it is still to be determined. Do I have it removed or do we watch it? What's the right thing to do? Do I have a full hysterectomy and just mitigate the risk of uterine cancer from the medication that I will be on for at least 2 years, do I do monthly injections to shut my ovaries down and force me into menopause or do I just go back to my OB every three months and have him check me out again? These are the kind of things that I am struggling with. I don't want to do one thing and then in the future say "Only if we had done something sooner". God bless Tim and the boys. They are the ones that have to live with me when I get inside my head. I'm thankful that I have Tim to refocus me when I start to get myself worked up. He's been my rock and I don't know what I'd do without him walking beside me through all of this. He goes to Drs appointments with me and talks for me when I get to the point that I can't talk anymore because I'm so emotional and frazzled. My mantra right now is "A Day at a Time".

Eventually, I will figure things out and do what I need to do but until then, just bear with me!