Living My Words - 1/29/2020

A LITTLE OVER SIX MONTHS AGO, I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BREAST CANCER. (I still have a hard time believing it when I say that). During the past six months, I have had 23 Doctors appointments between my Breast Surgeon, Plastic Surgeon, PCP, Chiropractor, OBGYN & 2 different Medical Oncologists. I have had genetics testing done twice, had an MRI, additional mammograms and ultrasound images done, a chest CT, a stereotactic biopsy done on my left breast, a bilateral mastectomy, 2 pelvic ultrasounds, a uterine biopsy, 2 COVID19 tests (for presurgery purposes), reconstructive surgery that didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted it to, a genetic counseling session, and a colonoscopy. It has truly been a whirlwind and sometimes I have a hard time processing everything that I have been through. But I can say that I have the battle scars to prove it. Someday I will add to my tattoo collection to celebrate them as well. #Warrior

I have hit the period in my breast cancer journey where my Dr's appointments now start to become fewer and further in between as I go from weekly or biweekly appointments with some of my care team to 3 month or even 6 month check-ups with them. Right now, I am in a lull period where baring anything unforeseen circumstances, I do not have another Dr's appointment until March 9th and then I have 2 in one day and one a week later. I have even been "kicked out of the nest" as I was told by my Oncology Case Manager with my insurance company. She has been such a great resource for me, and I have really enjoyed talking to her on the phone on a regular basis. It is amazing how a voice can provide a sense of calm in so many situations. We started talking shortly after my bilateral surgery was completed and I have pretty much shared EVERYTHING with her; the good, the bad, and the ugly and lots of tears. She was wonderful, compassionate, and truly understood everything that I was going through. When she told me that Wednesday was going to be our last call; I honestly got scared and said, "what if something comes up or god forbid, I have a recurrence, then what do I do?" and she said "You call me! You know how to reach me!" and that made me feel a little bit better knowing I have that safety net if I need it but since I am not in "active treatment", in their eyes, I am one they can shift off their list and allocate the resource to another patient. In some ways it is good but in others, it is not. My “safety net” is beginning to loosen and that brings with it a sense of trepidation. Again....as I mentioned in my last update; it's not like I have been magically cured since I don't have to go through chemo or radiation. There are a whole host of other issues that crop up when it comes to fear of recurrence, an almost PTSD reaction to every ache and pain, and stewing over the what-ifs. All of which I continue to work through on my own and with the help of a therapist through Siteman. #Brave

Most of my struggles and symptoms are unseen and to people, I look as healthy as the next person, but underneath the façade I put on every day is a different person. The roller coaster of emotions that I have experienced since being diagnosed has put me on an antidepressant and antianxiety medication. The endocrine blocker that I am on for the next 5-10 years causes its own host of side effects which include joint & bone pain, hot flashes, thinning hair, fatigue, insomnia, and some “risks” that I am being monitored for very closely by my Drs. My implants are not all they are cracked up to be. I am not crazy about them or my new “body” and at times I have muscle spasms on my left side that are very painful and uncomfortable. At night I tend to sit with a heating pad on my back just to try to relieve some of the aches/pains that I have. The one PLUS (hey, I am trying to find a silver lining here in all of this) is that I have lost 14.5 lbs. since August 31st, the day I had my bilateral mastectomy. I am sure most of it is stress-related because I am not doing anything different. That’s my GOOD take away from everything I’ve mentioned above. #Strong

The support that we continue to get from people is wonderful. I have friends who randomly text me to see how I am doing, of course, my family continues to call me and check in and Tim has people ask him how we are doing as well. Periodically a card will show up out of the blue from a friend and is always a bright spot in my day and is always added to my “doors of love” which I have pretty much maxed out. We are all still adjusting to having had Cancer rock our world, but we are doing okay and just take it a day at a time. We have tried to keep life as normal as possible for the boys (if that is even a thing anymore) and it is awesome to have them finally back in school and with THEIR tribe. We are still extremely cautious about COVID and are doing our part when it comes to masking and social distancing. I have also been able to share my experience with a few people who have been recently diagnosed. As someone who needs to talk to process things, it has been helpful not only to them to hear my story, but it has been helpful for me as well to hear myself say it all out loud and accept it as a part of my story. #Loved

While I am considered NED or showing No Evidence of Disease, the chance for recurrence in the first 5 years of diagnosis is the highest. If we can get through the next 5 years in the clear, then I can say I am cancer-free. For now, I am a breast cancer survivor. #YouGotThis