In Honor Of National Cancer Survivors Day - My Own Words - 6/6/22

This piece was written during a writing workshop that I participated in with the creator & editor of Wildfire Magazine. I thought it was fitting to share on National Cancer Survivors Day, the first Sunday in June.

Anything But a Warrior

A warrior is someone who takes a stand. They willingly place themselves in a position to be hurt and suffer intentionally. A warrior is stoic. They hold their head high, shoulders back and do not show weakness. They march headfirst into danger, not considering the consequences. Then why am I considered a warrior? I did not ask for this! I did not willingly seek out this disease. It was forced on me with no notice or my approval. I am NOT a warrior; I am anything but a warrior. I have inked it on my body to convince myself it's true, but it's not. It's just a word staring back at me. I feel more like a victim than a warrior.

They call me brave, but I am fearful on the inside. My face does not show what my insides are doing. They are churning and are in knots with worry and stress. My anxiety makes me feel like I can vomit at any minute, but I hold it back.

They call me confident, but I am hesitant and question my decisions. My head tells me one thing, but my heart tells me another. I can't just think of myself; I have to think of them. My husband, children, and family are who I would leave behind if I don't do the right thing or make the right choice. But what is the right choice? Does anyone really know? Isn't this all just a guessing game or like playing the odds? With the game master, my doctor saying, "May the odds be in your favor"?

They call me courageous, but I feel like a coward and want to run the other way. I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I want to go to sleep or turn back the clock to escape this nightmare. Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

They call me strong, but I feel weak. I have learned how to hide my feelings from others. I can cry at the drop of a hat. Just the thought of what has happened brings tears to my eyes. They all told me that "it's the best form of cancer to have," but is there really GOOD cancer? Cancer is cancer! It can kill you, and that's all I think about.

They call me fearless, but I am petrified of what lurks in the shadows. I'm scared that I will do everything I can, and it won't matter. In the end, it will still be what is stronger than me. So, yes, I am scared, but I don't dare say it out loud! Everyone says I am in such good spirits, but I feel defeated. My body hurts, I am tired & I am emotionally drained. My aches and pains make me think I am a weakling. How could I handle anything more challenging if I can't handle this? How would I fight when I really need to fight? Is it all in my head? Am I making myself feel this way? Just be positive, be thankful you are alive. I keep hearing their voice in my head talking to me. I try not to complain because no one understands how hard this survivorship shit is.

They call me an inspiration and I am just trying to remain positive. I try to trick the negative thoughts in my head to shift them back to the dark corners of my mind. I try to tell them that they need to go away and not bother me. I try to support others like me, hoping that by giving them hope and encouragement, I will provide myself with some at the same time.

They call me a fighter, but I am doing what I need to do; I have no other choice. The only other option is to give in and let it win. I am not willing to do that, but I am NOT the warrior they believe me to be. I am anything BUT a warrior; but I am a SURVIVOR!